A year ago, I tentatively sent off my application form to apply for a Bachelor of Counselling. To be honest, I didn’t think I’d get accepted. I was in my forties and hadn’t studied since I was sixteen. I couldn’t imagine I’d get in. But to my utter shock and amazement I was accepted and there began my year, one of huge growth. Today I completed my final class and with all assignments submitted, I’ve done it! I’ve made it through my first year of study – one down, 4 more to go!
I met with a friend yesterday who asked me what the biggest thing is that I’m taking away from my year of learning? I paused and thought, and then gave an unexpected answer. I could have talked about the Human Lifespan paper I loved, delving into all the stages of development. Or the Tangata Whenua paper which challenged long held beliefs and helped me discover a rich, yet sad history of our area. Or I could have talked about imago Dei, the deep understanding of what it means to be made in the image of God and how seeing everyone through this lens changes you.
Instead I answered “I’ve learnt that I’m not as dumb as I thought.”
Now that may seem shocking to say. I’m a fairly secure person and I live an extremely content and fulfilled life. But it’s amazing how stepping into something new can suddenly bring up old soundtracks that once played in your mind, even if they were from 30 years ago. You see, I was an average student, who worked very hard at College to get C’s. In fact, I may have even gotten a B once in typing! But surrounded by intelligent friends, at some point the words “how dumb can you be?” swirled around my head and I began to believe I wasn’t smart. I believed I had wisdom, but I didn’t think I was smart. As a result, I was happy to leave study and education behind. That way I left the negative words behind too. And there they stayed hidden – until I cracked open the door to study once more.
The mere fact I didn’t believe I would get accepted into the course, was probably an indication of some underlying belief I had. That I wasn’t bright – so why would I get in? But I did. Then the study began. The classes. The assignments. The technology. Words like social construct and discourse were foreign to me and I would message my friend to ask “what does this even mean?!” She would explain it (in simple terms) and I would reply “well why didn’t they just say that?!” I would get nervous before class, praying that I wouldn’t get called on and that my zoom breakout room would be full of great people (who knew what to say). But then something began to change. I began to love it.
Then something else happened. I got my grades back from assignments. And they were good. Like really good. The first grade I got back I didn’t believe, I genuinely thought they had made a mistake. I called each of my kids and my parents to tell them though, after jumping up and down with excitement in the kitchen with my hubby! I think even Maverick our dog was happy for me, even if I was in disbelief! But then the next grade was the same and I slowly began to think – maybe I’m not dumb after all. Maybe – just maybe – that was a lie which had lingered in the darkness and held me back from trying all these years.
Don’t get me wrong, I knew I was good at other things. I just didn’t think study was one of them. But this year has dissolved that. Which has made me wonder, what else have I secretly thought and what other aspirations have I shelved?
I know that I will be continually challenged as I step out each year, but I’m thankful that God has surrounded me with amazing people to do this journey with. There are a few of us who chat regularly, questions are asked and many laughs are had. It’s wonderful, encouraging and so supportive. There have been times when I’ve messaged my friend and said “it’s time for a coffee! I have no idea where to begin with this assignment!” Then we’d meet, discuss and plan how to tackle the mountain that was ahead. It’s reminded me again that we don’t need to do this journey of life alone. For that I am so grateful.
As I round off this year of study, which has flown by so fast, I’m so thankful for the amazing tutors, incredible friends, awesome family, many laughs, the few tears, and the wealth of knowledge that I’ve already begun to carry. Earlier this year I felt like a part of me came alive, that I didn’t know existed. I think in my mind, using different language than before. I see things through a wider perspective. And it’s a beautiful thing. I’ve loved this year – which is amazing considering my aim was only to survive it! But God has a way of nudging us towards things, which if we will step into, become an enriching expansive moment for us. We just need to say yes to what seems impossible. Then trust. Silence the lies. Oh and work really hard! 😉
Don’t be afraid to challenge the soundtracks in your mind, which may have lived rent free in your head for a long time. There is beauty in finding out the truth about yourself and what you can do by the grace of God. With good people around you cheering you on, give it a go! Your life might just be dramatically impacted!
Grace & Providence - Annika Morton 