It surprised me when it came up in my Facebook memories today that it’s been two years since my pacemaker operation! It’s nice to be this far on in the journey as I remember that day was one full of nerves, concerns and then extreme disappointment with tears when it the procedure didn’t go to plan.
Most days I don’t think about my heart much or the fact I have this machine working away inside me. Every now and then I’m reminded of it, like when I see the monitor by my bed light up like a disco, as it collects information from my pacemaker to send to the hospital in the middle of the night. There are also the odd moments when my heart beats strangely and I don’t feel great, but I remind myself it will pass and to take some deep breaths.
The recent outbreak of Covid-19 brought home the reality again of my heart issues, suddenly being one of the “vulnerable” ones who had to be in isolation early. No one wants to be singled out in this way, hearing you’re more susceptible than others. Again you fight off the fear and try to balance it with being sensible but also not going over board! Ones close to me expressed their concern of bringing it home to me – while others in the medical field were impressing on me the importance of staying home. You just don’t want these invisible health issues you deal with, to affect your family, work, life or ability to connect. It was a strange time and one I’m glad that as a country we are coming out the other side of.
So I’m two years on… from the unsuccessful pacemaker placement! In a few months I could celebrate take two… the successful one! All of it etched into my memory, some moments I’m glad to have left behind, as it was truly one of the most challenging times of my life. But I’m forever grateful for this day. It was the day when my heart got given the chance to beat in sync again. To begin to repair itself. To begin to function as it should.
Things don’t always go to plan. Things don’t always work the way we want. Even when we pray. Even when the odds are on our side… we can end up being in the 5% of when it goes wrong. But it’s only a part of our journey and there are beautiful, bright, sun filled days ahead to experience – which we only get to if we step out and receive the help we need. And perhaps take that chance again if it doesn’t quite go right the first time.
I’m forever grateful for June 5th. The day that didn’t go to plan… but worked out in the end.
XXX
Grace & Providence - Annika Morton 