Today was Pre-Op… again. I can’t quite believe that this Friday I will be back in theatre, having an op on my pacemaker… again. Going in to the hospital first thing this morning, was a bit surreal and it’s all becoming quite real… again. There are too many “agains” for my liking. I got to have an ECG again. Another lot of blood tests again. Another meeting with an Anesthetist, a Head Nurse and a Cardiology Registrar… again. It would be great if we could continue doing the fun things in life over and over – but leave the less desirable things as a one off! Having a pacemaker and 3 leads put in should definitely not be something you do over and over again!
But here we are, the week of. Walking forward in faith that this will be a success and that sleep will become easier with no jolting from my left lead. I discovered today that the pain I’ve been experiencing in my shoulder since my last operation isn’t the norm – hopefully meaning I won’t have to go back to stage one with that again. My physio will be pleased! As I met with the medical staff, we talked through the procedure again and I got told some more information about this op which wasn’t really what I wanted to hear. Just when you think you’ve got it sorted in your mind, more comes up.
I remember last time around, there were some days walking through this journey that would leave me feeling flat. After the op there were some weeks! But yesterday I was determined to remain positive and keep my eyes fixed heavenward. Some days it’s more of a battle to do that than others. Today was one of those battle days. In among it all, I figure it’s okay to have those “moments.” The ones when tears well up and you need to reach out for the hand of the person next to you. Cause we realise that in these moments we don’t need to do life alone, God puts others around us who will walk the journey with us. For that I am incredibly grateful.
The past few weeks I’ve been living out the verse from Psalm 90:12 “Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” As the days count down towards this op, I want to make the most of the minutes, hours and days I have! We never know how many moments we have before something crops up and I’ve learnt this year to not take my days for granted. This time around I have energy (thank you pacemaker for pumping my heart in sync, giving me oxygen!) and can actually get things ready before I go into hospital. My hubby thinks I’ve gone a bit crazy with the organising – but I just wanted to be more on top of things this time. I’ve counted my days and I’m using every minute I can and appreciating the highlights of life, alongside the mundane.
If only it wouldn’t take heart issues and operations for us to count our days and gain wisdom on how to live our lives well. Even the most boring of moments become precious – who knew carrying washing baskets or driving could be such a blessing?! Rolling over, washing your hair or sleeping in your bed… all small insignificant things – but so valuable for our well being. So through this time, I remain grateful. For the small boring every day tasks that I get to complete and for each moment I get to be a part of.
I’m slowly surrounding myself with small things of beauty, which I hope to remember to focus on when I’m recovering in a few days. When you’re feeling down, to be able to look out and see plants flowering, hear birds chirping, or see a sequinned cushion glittering (yes, I may have bought another one…), it all helps you remember that there is beauty amidst the ashes of life. In a few days I may feel “flat.” Let’s be honest, I may feel a lot worse that “flat” – but I pray I remember to lift my eyes and be continually thankful for each blessing that comes my way. Each and every small one is significant.